okay so i just woke up with the decision in my head to kill myself.. hah, yeah right.. but the first thing that did pop into my head was how tired i was of this human life. how i was tired of getting constant depression, then trying to cheer myself up (which would work for a few lovely months), then falling back into a black pit, then pretending that it all didn't happened (which is also something i'm very good at doing), then exploding into a ray of colorful energy way up into the sky, & finally, you could see my deflated body falling softly to the ground, as it sways from side to side with the wind.

as "emo" as i sound, i'm not. i just do a hell lot of weird thinking. so anyway, that little argument in my head was deciding if i should remain as dull & pessimistic as i am now OR, i could be as vibrant & optimistic as a 5 year old child. but come to think about it, i'm never on one of their sides. i prefer to sit on the fence between those two 'cus i believe it keeps me sane. & then i thought to myself, what keeps me sane again?? .. NOTHING!! i realize sitting on the fence doesn't help much either 'cus i have to battle the same question over & over again everyday. just one day, i might end up committing suicide. just one day.

if you realize, there isn't a "moral of the story" here, or trying "to make a point" out of this post. i just need to rant, to think, to dream about, to stress about.. i just have this overwhelming, uncontrollable feeling to not make sense today & i don't know if i'm doing it right but, yeah, it pretty well goes something like this. it's like one of those doubtful days where (if you're a person who believes in the afterlife & stuffs), you just wake up, feeling tired of this life & you hate living anymore & you want to kill yourself so you can finally go to heaven, or neverland, or whatever, to meet your maker & find peace within yourself. & then you realize you're gonna die, & live like an immortal forevermore. won't you be dreadfully sickened?? or lets say you believe in reincarnation, you're gonna die to live like a mortal again??

maybe i just don't know how to be thankful for what i have yet. not just my life alone, for everything i ever had by my side. maybe, just maybe, i just feel like my life's coming to an end; figuratively speaking.