“But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. It can't last.” 

― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

ignorance is not bliss. ignorance is the core of all fundamental problems. i do not think much of a man who continues to be ignorant; who believes what he only wants to believe, to see what he only wants to see. i do not think much of a man who does not know how his ignorance causes others around him to suffer. one who thinks only for themselves should be left alone to fend for themselves. no? how can one be so selfish and deluded? it is one thing to be lied to. but it's another to go along blindly

envision

i do miss the nights where i could see the tiny stalk emerge from the soil & dirt. where the air was filled with innocence and hope. no judgement were made as the young stalk fought it's way out into the world. where the strong ground was it's foundation, where the surrounding was it's natural fertilizer & there were no impurity that could harm the young budding plant. i do miss the nights where the stalk catches you by surprise, blooming into something you never thought possible. where it does not shy away from any light or darkness, where it keeps on growing despite the unfavorable conditions. the bees & butterflies sings the song of life and death but the roots of the now beautifully grown flower grows stronger and deeper everyday. it reaches down right to the heart of the earth and builds an entire city around it. i do miss the nights where you feel the roots intertwine with another, building a stronger city, a bigger garden, a healthier relationship. where hope and faith grows, where even through the toughest storm, nothing important is loss, there's still a common root you could hold on to..

..i do miss the times where i felt i belonged somewhere

Years

2015;

where am i going with this? answer: places! all the random steps i have taken to get me where i am today. slowly but surely, the paths i have taken will form the pinnacle of hope for all the inquisitive youths who were once like me.. this is to those who fought hard in life, building your spirit and perseverance with each spontaneous move you make..

NEVER HOLD YOURSELF BACK FROM ANYTHING.

threw my values and morals down the drain as my life spiraled deep down into the pit of shame and uncertainty.


i was just chilling on my bed, watching House of Cards, when my mind drifted off into deep space and i had a flashback on my life after secondary school. that's when the sentence popped into my head. what.the.fuck.bro. emo-nights need to chill when intense seasons are on.

..it was bad enough that i wasn't willing to try,
                  but it's worse knowing that you couldn't wait to let go..

Blending Technique;

if i could paint the pictures in my mind,
you would think that i'm socially acceptable yet, am weirdly estranged when left alone.
you would think that i am able to carry myself well but, am not a good conversational starter.

if i could paint the pictures that i see,
you would see two different worlds coming together as one.
you would see destruction and wrath rigidly trying to connect with peace and serenity.
you would basically see, confusion.

if i could paint the pictures that i feel,
you would appreciate and feel what love, joy and hope is all about.
but you would feel and understand the exact opposite of each, sipping into your life as the years go by.

if i could paint the pictures that i walk on,
you wouldn't be where you are now.
we would be aimlessly staring into what nature has to offer; the deep blue sky or an open meadow.
or we could be sitting in a white box staring at the four walls till society has decided how to waste our life away.

Why do I create unecessary trouble for myself..

.

the whirling of the fan as it rotates round and round and round. the flapping of the curtain in the cool wind breeze. the glimmer of light from the blocks opposite shone in, every 4 seconds the curtain was lifted by the wind..

who do you turn to when your heart aches and your mind is in an everlasting war with your senses? when your heart wants and yearn for the love and pain of yesteryear, when your mind couldn't go through feeling pathetic and weak yet again, after another emotional turmoil. who do you turn to for advise and comfort when half the time you  can't, or rather, don't feel like explaining yourself? when you just want to be understood for the situation you're in, when people look at you as how you already are? how you crave for another human touch to ease you in comfort and tell you that everything is okay yet, you are so ready to tell them to back the fuck off once you realize that they do not understand what you're going through.

they never do, do they?

who do you turn to, to calm your mind, body and soul, when chaos reigns within your body? when every major organ is sending hate, resentment, anger and drama into every veins and capillaries that exist within. how do you just let go of the emotions and let your system flow normally and peaceful once more?

i always felt that it isn't how long you've shared you entire life with a single person that creates the pain. instead, it becomes more of how deep you've grown into each other. every open link and void that you once had is now filled and entwined with another soul as you share you joy and misery together, as you plan a future together. but it cuts and bruise my emotional well being when the universe can just snap a couple apart, leaving one in the abyss and the other brutally tortured. and people have to carry that pain around till father time decides that it's time to bury and forget the past.

now it becomes a cycle as the tainted soul of this couple shares a new life with another soul. they've had a taste of the best and the worst moments and what scares me is their ability to manipulate others. this particular couple can bring you to heaven but at the same time, they do know how to introduce hell little by little into your life. to err is human nature but at the same time, we have to adapt. funny how all these tainted soul will be group under a "well-balanced life". Light cannot survive without Darkness, Yin cannot survive without the Yang. to be happy one must experience sadness, to be rich one must experience poverty. to appreciate what love is, one must be indifferent (or some might call it being apathetic).

my only question is, is this fair that we have to go through this over and over again? with every partner we find ourselves with, do we have to go through the path of light and dark once more only to be greeted by disappointment?

Woke up with this feeling that there is still something hidden from me. And again, I'm sick of hearing all the lies one might use to cover up. But oh well.

oh heyy.

latest update in my life:
i became less chatty. i became hard. i lost touch with basic emotions. i re-planted doubt. being sweet isn't my thing now. i hold more grudges. i love less. white hair growing, face buried in assignments. getting richer. but also getting poorer. getting wiser yet, sharing less.

i grew up. could feel the world slicing my innocence away. strip by strip. i could feel the change. i still can. but i love it. i love how i'm changing. i love what is happening to me. hell, i could whine and bitch about my misfortunes the whole day. but for what cause? all these wasn't copied off from some website; it's just me being me. it's just me loving me.

i've never embrace my uncertainties before. but i do now.

oh honeyyyy, why don't you just sew your eyes shut already.

*scoffs*

poor child.. i doubt you can imagine the truckloads of pity your friends shower upon you.

EXPECTED

I was the Bullet but you were saved by a Gun;

Curious, i have to ask:

How do you finally feel knowing that by letting your incapable and undisciplined mind, you've open the gates to where you store your incoherent, perplexing thoughts and feelings? Where you bare your naked mind and soul by letting your feelings flow like a river towards the open ocean where you've finally bring in a huge wave of misery to engulfed your very existence? Was it a decision you regret making? Or do you still consider it as a weight off your chest?

Because either way, she is here to remind you of what a disappointment you are to him. You've not only ruined the friendship he was trying to save, the relationship that was in peril, but also finally admitting that you were the thorn sticking around for too long.

So i heard, you’re the socially-awkward ordinary girl, loving life, going around preaching life’s too short for hatred - in simple terms, The peace-maker. Yet you go around creating problems, inciting hate in others, and staging a self-pitying act to then philosophically claim ”Life’s not about me”.

She only started to grow deep enmity for your Highness, when you couldn’t stop yourself from your constant “needy” and “flirtatious” attention for him. Omg, good job in pissing her off however, it was repulsive and self-degrading. Yet, you never saw a problem with the attitude you bring thus, the vicious cycle repeats. Such abominable pride you carry yourself with.

Why, you might wonder, is he not here to care about you, stop her OR to protect your dignity anymore? Because he knows and have experienced the tormented sufferings she had endured, the self-sacrificial thoughts and pride she gave to make a room for you and even went through the same process. But to what cause? To finally see yourself expose your ridiculous behavior?

Young lady, you are no different from the typical stereotype of teenage girls nowadays. You have the audacity to criticize others of being attention-seeking? Look at yourself. You are stuck in the same sappy fantasy about love & life. But what makes it worse for us was you couldn’t even wait for the relationship to be over and then jump in. And oh, alcohol is NEVER an excuse for anything. If you can’t control yourself while intoxicated, don’t drink. Simple. You have to wonder, what makes you different from all these other little girls? Your mental state and behavior are all alike.

A word of advice - Get over it and get a grip. You might hope and wish that one day, you could start over or “meet as strangers for the first time again”. Get out of that crappy state. Accept the fact that you screwed with your chance. It’s time you fucking leave the past alone and start creating a better fucking future for yourself. She’s cruel/spiteful/ enough to degrade your reputation but she will restrain herself from being immature(though it would bring her great pleasure), meddling in every aspect of you life.

So young lady, stay the fuck out of my life and everything in it. And i’ll stay out of yours. The little games you play, it’s tacky.

You bring shame to Women around.

I'm already trying my best. Please work with me and give it a shot.

.

Is it really that hard to tell the truth?
Or is it harder to listen to the truth?
Or is it worse that you have to hear yourself telling the truth?

I suppose

my biggest

flaw

is that

when I

am standing 

on the bridge

straddling

the line

of life 

& death 

I'm not

strong enough

to fall

either way

-jd

 2013 ; Vesak Day

Evening. My room is still covered in darkness. I'm in my ytsa shirt & la-senza pjs the girls had bought for me. Little Isis is still on my blankie curled up next to me, kicking me everytime she stretches. This picture makes me feel safe, the darkness makes me feel safe. Safe.. How would I describe it? My best try; I feel like I'm in my mothers womb once more. While she assures me that everything will be okay. While I can still feel her warmth & undying security. Here, I don't need to face the blinding afternoon light & judgemental people. But at 21, i seldom go to my mother for comfort anymore. My thoughts fade & i realized. I've had it with whatever I'm feeling now. It has been on repeat over the same cycle one too many times. I guess the wall that fell, was what a friend would tell me it's time to leave it all behind  & go.

Now that, is the easy way out. Will I take it? No. Call me stubborn but I need to give myself one last try to pull it together. Do I think life is cruel for putting me through so many test only to get sour news and heartache? Yes, definitely. Do i repeatedly & rhetorically question myself about what am i waiting for? No shit. But that won't stop me from doing whatever the fuck needs to be done. I can't go  out without a fight, no one can. But it takes one tough spirit to keep on pushing through the endless brick walls life builds up and cements for you.

All I'm saying is, I've been let down too many times whether it is my own fault or by people I sincerely care about. I'm sick of making wrong decisions. I'm sick of thinking for people. I'm sick of being affected personally & caring too much. I'm sick of being made use of (not that i let this happen often, sometimes it just happens). I'm sick of absorbing all the misery & agony and putting up a strong front..  Jeez, No wonder the average never live long enough to reach a 100. People just keep getting sick physically, mentally & emotionally. Today however, I'm gonna change all of that. I'll make it a point to change. I've journeyed so far to this very date to get my life back on track & I'm gonna keep it my way. I have no one to thank for & no one to ask for their support. Frankly speaking, I don't need it anymore. But if I still receive it, I'll just label it as a bonus. Now if there was any advice i would tell myself, it'll be; Count on yourself. You are your best pillar of strength.



~inahle~exhale~