2013 ; Vesak Day

Evening. My room is still covered in darkness. I'm in my ytsa shirt & la-senza pjs the girls had bought for me. Little Isis is still on my blankie curled up next to me, kicking me everytime she stretches. This picture makes me feel safe, the darkness makes me feel safe. Safe.. How would I describe it? My best try; I feel like I'm in my mothers womb once more. While she assures me that everything will be okay. While I can still feel her warmth & undying security. Here, I don't need to face the blinding afternoon light & judgemental people. But at 21, i seldom go to my mother for comfort anymore. My thoughts fade & i realized. I've had it with whatever I'm feeling now. It has been on repeat over the same cycle one too many times. I guess the wall that fell, was what a friend would tell me it's time to leave it all behind  & go.

Now that, is the easy way out. Will I take it? No. Call me stubborn but I need to give myself one last try to pull it together. Do I think life is cruel for putting me through so many test only to get sour news and heartache? Yes, definitely. Do i repeatedly & rhetorically question myself about what am i waiting for? No shit. But that won't stop me from doing whatever the fuck needs to be done. I can't go  out without a fight, no one can. But it takes one tough spirit to keep on pushing through the endless brick walls life builds up and cements for you.

All I'm saying is, I've been let down too many times whether it is my own fault or by people I sincerely care about. I'm sick of making wrong decisions. I'm sick of thinking for people. I'm sick of being affected personally & caring too much. I'm sick of being made use of (not that i let this happen often, sometimes it just happens). I'm sick of absorbing all the misery & agony and putting up a strong front..  Jeez, No wonder the average never live long enough to reach a 100. People just keep getting sick physically, mentally & emotionally. Today however, I'm gonna change all of that. I'll make it a point to change. I've journeyed so far to this very date to get my life back on track & I'm gonna keep it my way. I have no one to thank for & no one to ask for their support. Frankly speaking, I don't need it anymore. But if I still receive it, I'll just label it as a bonus. Now if there was any advice i would tell myself, it'll be; Count on yourself. You are your best pillar of strength.



~inahle~exhale~